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I feel dead already. It’s like its the end. I don’t blame anyone but myself. 11 months I’ve been living a false life. An illusion. I’ll never move on. Even if she does.
My whole pillow is wet from my crying. Crying from a pain I did to myself. I still remember the day we met. She was standing at bistro. I waved and smiled, she just smiled back. I beckoned her, she came and I thrusted my phone to her for her number. I remember the first hug she gave me during SYF. We stopped contacting then, but when she hugged me that day, I could sense she missed me. I remember her smile. And how she kept avoiding the camera during our trek at macritchie. I remember how she was always the boss of her friends. I miss her everyday. A fool’s hope of waking up to seeing her face in the morning. I remember telling her of bringing her for her first officer commissioning at AQC, I was hoping we would be together by then, but now, that just remains a dream. Like all the other dreams I dreamt.

I cant stop crying because of this. This will stay with me forever. My love for you will die with me.

15 October 2011, 2135h

A reminder

Warrant Officers are the most senior and most experienced soldiers in the SAF. Ive been blessed to meet and work with many of them throughout my service. They act as “fathers” to soldiers and hence they are called “Encik”.

Went to conduct IMT for the sec 1 cadets today and I met an ex-Warrant I’ve always met at all ranges I’ve conducted-2WO(RET) Ahmad. And today, he gave me a reminder of why I had pursued a polytechnic education in the first place, a career as an Officer in the Army. “You see Lieutenant Shamil, set him as an example. Sure OCS” he told a junior of mine. When he spoke those words, I remembered the Enciks which said the same thing and also a former teacher of mine who said he was confident in me being commissioned as an SAF Officer. I am proud of the fact that my ability to become an Officer was recognised even before my enlistment. I found a new spark to excel in Encik Ahmad’s words. He gave me the push I needed all this time. I wont let him nor anyone who placed an expectation of excellence for me down. Till the day I am commissioned I will never rest.

"To lead, to excel, to overcome"

September

September..
First things first, happy ORD to LTA Firdaus. Hope you have success in future endeavors! This month was the month I really got closer to people at HQ. Shed some tears too. It’s like, whenever I booked in, I felt a sense of homecoming. Whenever I walk thru AQC’s gates, I keep telling myself, I’m home. And it’s true. AQC is where I go to find comfort, it’s where I’ve shed my blood, sweat and tears(literally). But now I realise its more than that, the bonds over built with both fellow officers and NSFs matters the most, a second family. They taught me to be selfless and generous in more ways than one. To have fun at the extremes and of course they taught me the sense of duty. I’ve changed so much since my Commissioning in 2010. So have many things around me. But one sad fact of HQ NCC is that nothing is permanent, today I say good bye to LTA Firdaus. Hope you enjoyed pond! :)
Since commissioning, I’ve met a lot of SAF regulars. And I’ve had the opportunity to interact in both a formal and casual setting. How many can say that they had a chance for a kopi session with Chief of Army and Sergeant Major of Army on the same day? I had. But among all I’ll never forget Encik Tami. Met him during my survival course in 09’. Very down to Earth guy. He really has my respect. An ex-Commando Ranger instructor. We smoked during NC2012. Talked about Army life, he was happy to find out I aspired to be a Ranger too. And he also got excited about the cigarettes I was smoking-“wah cibai, got ball ah?!” . He’s been a bachelor all his life. Come to think of it, I might become like him someday.

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